love with nowhere to go

[merriweathering]

 

 

i’m not sure of how to start this, but as always, writing is a friend that i lean on in sadness, and in happiness. today’s journal is about grief, or as i read many times, “love with nowhere else to go.”

 

i love routines. i always have. while brushing my teeth this morning, i noticed a toothbrush in our cabinet. different in color and shape from mine and my parents’, it’s the one that we had for my grandma whenever she came over to visit and stay the weekend at our place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

my grandma was one of my favorite people in the entire world. a fierce woman, who wouldn’t hold back on scolding us if we messed up (or run after my cousin with her cane because she was misbehaving), but the first to give us a smile and a kiss, the first to tell us how beautiful we looked, the first to make us tea to calm us down whenever something bad happened. aging took many things from her, like her mobility, her activeness, but never her lucidity or her smile. those remained with her until her last breath. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

on the day she passed, just an hour or so after i got the news, i got a call saying that i got a job opportunity. i can’t really explain the mix of feelings that took over me. grief, for my grandmother i loved more than anything, and joy, for finally getting a job after a year of searching without success. it made me realize that the worst day of my life could also be a day of blessings. made me realize that life goes on, and while i feel like things happened so fast that i didn’t have the opportunity to process it all, it’s fine. it won’t make my grief less valid. it won’t stop me from being happy and grateful for what i have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

a few days ago, i heard my mom talk to my aunt about her pregnancy (with me, i’m an only child in case you don’t know, but i’m pretty sure it’s obvious lol), and how hard it was on her. she said she could barely keep food down, and didn’t take care of herself too well, not until my grandpa (my dad’s dad, one of my favorite people in the entire world as well, who passed away 10 years ago) visited her and nagged at her to take care of herself better, and that made me miss him so much.

 

 

 

 

i don’t really know how to end this. i just feel loved. and i love them, deeply and forever, even though my love for them has nowhere else to go but here inside me. but i’ll keep going, i’ll try my best as i figure life out. that’s as much as i can promise.