Recent Entries

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Cool People - Chloe x Halle

Entry tags:

rants: personal

love with nowhere to go

i’m not sure of how to start this, but as always, writing is a friend that i lean on in sadness, and in happiness. today’s journal is about grief, or as i read many times, “love with nowhere else to go.”

i love routines. i always have. while brushing my teeth this morning, i noticed a toothbrush in our cabinet. different in color and shape from mine and my parents’, it’s the one that we had for my grandma whenever she came over to visit and stay the weekend at our place.

my grandma was one of my favorite people in the entire world. a fierce woman, who wouldn’t hold back on scolding us if we messed up (or run after my cousin with her cane because she was misbehaving), but the first to give us a smile and a kiss, the first to tell us how beautiful we looked, the first to make us tea to calm us down whenever something bad happened. aging took many things from her, like her mobility, her activeness, but never her lucidity or her smile. those remained with her until her last breath.

on the day she passed, just an hour or so after i got the news, i got a call saying that i got a job opportunity. i can’t really explain the mix of feelings that took over me. grief, for my grandmother i loved more than anything, and joy, for finally getting a job after a year of searching without success. it made me realize that the worst day of my life could also be a day of blessings. made me realize that life goes on, and while i feel like things happened so fast that i didn’t have the opportunity to process it all, it’s fine. it won’t make my grief less valid. it won’t stop me from being happy and grateful for what i have.

a few days ago, i heard my mom talk to my aunt about her pregnancy (with me, i’m an only child in case you don’t know, but i’m pretty sure it’s obvious lol), and how hard it was on her. she said she could barely keep food down, and didn’t take care of herself too well, not until my grandpa (my dad’s dad, one of my favorite people in the entire world as well, who passed away 10 years ago) visited her and nagged at her to take care of herself better, and that made me miss him so much.

i don’t really know how to end this. i just feel loved. and i love them, deeply and forever, even though my love for them has nowhere else to go but here inside me. but i’ll keep going, i’ll try my best as i figure life out. that’s as much as i can promise.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Djo - End of Beginning

Entry tags:

rants: personal

around the sun

i like routines. the stereotypical taurus in me enjoys the safety of knowing what will happen, the stability of things staying the same.

i also love traditions, specially when i'm involved in making them. 10 years ago, my high school friends and i started to have gatherings on may 1st (a national holiday here), as a way to catch up and to celebrate my birthday early.

4 years ago, my parents and i started to order my favorite cake, and eat it for dinner on my actual birthday, just the three of us.

my 26th year was a break of routines. between unemployment, grief, illnesses and injuries, but also achievements and new friends, it's been a hell of a journey. i'm happy and proud to have made through it in one piece.

i'm starting my 27th year with a lot of hope, because it's all i have left. it'll see me through.

it's nice to recognize myself a little bit again.

happy may 2nd, from yours truly. ❤️

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: We've Only Just Begun - Carpenters

Entry tags:

rants: personal

night changes

it's a friday evening as i start to write this, waiting for my last class of the semester to start. this might also be my last class ever as a university student, so, as the sap i try (and fail) not to be, it's gotten me thinking about these almost six years here in my university.

i remember many years ago dreaming about being a student here, when i wasn't even sure of what i wanted to do for a living. i remember eight years ago coming into this very building for the first time to sign up for university entrance exam prep classes, and feeling like this was my place. i still didn't know back then.

fast forward almost six years later, and i still don't feel like i know what i'm doing most times. but if all those years have taught me anything, it's that it's fine to not know what you're doing sometimes. most of us are figuring things out as we go. and it's fine to take your time with things.

i don't really know where i'm going with this journal, i'm just thankful. as someone who has an incredibly hard time with ending cycles and changes, i'm grateful to be in a state of mind where i feel ready to close this chapter and start new ones.

stay safe and healthy as usual, friends <3 let’s make may a month full of good memories!

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: Love Phobia - Onew

Entry tags:

rants: personal

a lonely planet

i'm an only child. and growing up with parents who worked full-time to make ends meet, i never really wanted to be a bother with any minor inconveniences, so i always kept to myself.

but little me loved to put her thoughts into words, and years later, that's still how i try to express my feelings.

i found comfort in my solitude over the years. i wear my independence proudly, like a badge of honor earned and given by myself, but underneath that, there's still a heart overflowing with feelings that don't really have a proper way of coming out. (the lack of proper coping mechanisms does that to you lol)

trying to find a middle ground between showing "too much" or showing nothing at all has been a learning curve, and i still don't feel like i've made a lot of progress, but at least now i can understand these feelings a little better? expressing them though... yeah.

my anxiety doesn't help with that either. the thing i asked about whether i should do or not do was something really small, a birthday greeting? but in my head it became a huge deal, endless questions and what ifs running through my mind, and doing it didn't quite ease my mind but it made me feel better. more true to myself, i guess?

there's not really a point in this, but if you made it this far, thanks for taking a peek at my real self. i hope march was kinder to you than it was to me, and that april is kind to us all. stay safe and healthy, friends ❤️

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Kiss it Better - Rihanna

Entry tags:

rants: personal

the last of february: the shortest (longest) month

(i am writing this at 10pm while being sick and without a draft whatsoever, so excuse the mess in advance lmao)

between today and my previous post, a month has passed, and what a month february has been. i wasn't expecting this month to throw me for so many loops, or for it to stress me, overwhelm me, and as it seems fitting, i'm ending this month sick like all those hurdles i've been through to get here in one piece weren't enough lol but as is, i'm dedicating a whole post to it, so it can't have been that bad, right? right. i'll try to put it in some topics to get some semblance of organization but the disclaimer above still applies, please look at it kindly.

- family

i'll spare you all from like, details of my family woes with my parents (at least for now, i want to dedicate a specific post for it in the near future), but i'm an only child. the only daughter of two parents who have worked full time ever since i can remember and has been raised to be "independent" since middle school. that's a pretty good recipe for an overwhelmed young woman with emotional constipation if you ask me. overwhelmed feels like an understatement about how i currently feel. the phrase "what would i do without you?" isn't quite as sweet as you'd expect it to be.

- church

i've mentioned here and there about how i've been slowly coming back to church activities like choir and services and all that, and over the holidays i was at church most days of the week, and it felt nice? i like the feeling of being part of something bigger than myself, and when i'm there i can just let myself bask in that feeling. but part of me also misses my closest friends who used to be there with me (and either got married and moved away, or stopped going to church, or were busy with work or other things)? i felt a little alone, i can admit that to myself. but i still had a lot of fun.

- heart

oh boy... i will make a post about this separately later on as well but it's been a journey accepting and naming these feelings i've had for pretty much a year now. you'd think that i'd be less shocked and more calm about this whole thing considering how long it's been since it's started but i'm emotionally constipated!! and a mess of a human being in general!! hence the freaking out i've been doing on the tl lol i don't think i missed these infatuation feelings, honestly? but now that those feelings are here, i won't try to tamper them down either. i'll just deal with them the best i can (which isn't much, but it's what i can do).

final thoughts//hopes for march?

between work, university, church, family, friends, and the small pockets of time i took for myself so i wouldn't crumble with everything going on, i'm thankful for february. but i'm also looking forward to calmer days so march, please be gentle on me. i'm looking forward to seeing my friends, to my choir's 45th anniversary at the end of the month, and for more pockets of time where i can enjoy my own company. here's to a lovely march for us all. see you all on the next one <3 stay safe and healthy until then!

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: WayV - Bounce Back

Entry tags:

rants: music

see the vision: a new era

before i start this, i would just like to say that it felt quite intimidating to make this post? i love talking about music (growing up with it + almost 14 years of choir and still counting have conditioned me) but this isn't really like a twitter thread where i have to shorten my thoughts to fit into a few tweets, so it's a little daunting to express this side of myself like this, and i guess that's why it's took me this long. but we're here now!

buckle up friends, this is quite a long one ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ

- overall thoughts about the album

as far as albums go, i would say phantom does its job well? it doesn't feel as grand as their previous works (besides kick back, she's a mild one too), but the emotional effect of having new music after almost two years overpowers the mildness of it for me.

i mentioned it in my first listen thread about how the two bonus tracks that were previously released as singles don't feel too jarring in terms of the flow of the album, but now that i've listened to the album a lot, i'd say that's got to do with the fact that try my luck (technically the last song of the album) is my least favorite of the tracks lol

vocals wise, i enjoy this album a lot for two reasons; 1) the contrast and 2) the language, let me elaborate why:

1) it felt refreshing to hear so many parts with that deep range, it made a good impression on me when paired with the higher parts and it reminds me of choir dynamics so it's pretty obvious that i'd enjoy that lol

2) there's just something different about hearing them singing in chinese to me? could be either because they're more proficient in the language and it flows better for them or the fact that they usually don't get big parts in group releases but yeah

- member by member

(this will be in age order for no other reason besides making it easier on my brain)

kun

if you had told me two years ago that i'd be down this bad for this man i probably would've been like "that's funny haha" but look at me now 🤡 i should've known better but we move!

i think that one of his strongest suits as a vocalist, generally speaking, is his adaptability? his technique is great (love love his use of vibrato and his mixed range), but being able to adjust your voice depending on what the song requires is a special skill, and one i can hear whenever he's singing. we have heard him sing in other releases besides kick back, like in back to you, the universe album, rain day (beloved <333) and most recently the sm album (his adlibs in the cure <333), but like i mentioned above, something about him singing in chinese just hits different and i'm very happy to hear it again. something i can't forget to mention is how stable his voice feels? mostly in the choruses, but if i were to use an analogy to explain it, it's like his voice is the ground to let the other two vocalists run wild with the adlibs. it's just always there. a few moments that i particularly enjoyed and that i want to highlight:

- his parts in broken love, specially the ones in 2:04 and 3:26 (the octave drop and subtle changes in the ends of the phrases are beautiful)

- good life as a whole, but the outro deserves her flowers! feels like the ending of a movie? in a really nice way?

ten

this man... bruh. being a fan for as long as i have (almost seven years now?), it still blows my mind how much he has grown and solidified himself as a vocalist? his dancing skills and stage presence are unquestionable, but i think his voice deserves to have a moment to shine as well. as far as technique goes, i'd say his is pretty straightforward? his tone and delivery come across like that to me, and paired up with the ensemble of vocalists we have, it's a good match with kun's stability and dejun's theatricality (i'll elaborate more on that when i get to him). this album felt like a perfect fit with him? he's done so well in every track that it's hard to pick what to point out, but here it goes:

- diamonds only is HIS SONG. this part at 0:39, the harmony at 1:45, the part from 2:26 onwards? YEAH

- i honestly feel like i could write a whole essay on bounce back but 0:34 and 1:36 (the "without you i'm better" bit are so catered to me i love it here

winwin

if you've been here (in ncity) for a while, you know that winwin has never really gotten that much spotlight or lines. it feels like i had never gotten to know his voice that well before he joined wayv? and yeah, he doesn't get that many lines in wayv either, but little lines is better than no lines at all imo jhfdjh and this also applies to this current album for me, he hasn't gotten many lines but he's got more than usual, and the smart thing about his parts in certain tracks is that those parts are meant to have some sort of an impact? the deeper-than-usual tone aligned with some smart arranging made a pretty interesting combo to hear, and i'll point out some of these lines below:

- phantom is quite obvious to point out but the cave voice (1:30) just works well with the song

- english king taking over at 2:16 of bounce back (and now that i say it, most of his lines in this album seem to be in english? idk if it's always been like this tbh)

xiaojun

i'll just say it off the bat in all caps to make my point clear: XIAO DEJUN IS TOO GOOD TO BE KEPT IN A GODDAMN BASEMENT. i could end it like this and just point out the bits i like but would i really be a choir nerd who happens to be stuck in weishenville if i didn't talk about him properly? absolutely not! i mentioned his theatricality a few paraghaphs ago, and what i meant by that is that he's very expressive? his words feel very articulated and purposeful, almost dramatic in a way, and it's perfect for wayv's usual sound and their most recent adventure into a more theatrical route. his agility (to put it very simply, his ability to change from note to note quickly) is unmatched. i'll point just two right below but honestly, this whole album back to back has his adlibs all over and it's too good pls bless yourselves anyway:

- if i don't mention that phantom high note at 3:06 like??? literally perfect with a little bit of rasp at the end for an extra flair, king

- the sprinkle of sass at 3:09 onwards of bounce back is just too good!!

hendery

i feel like from all the members, he may have had the hardest task this album? we know they've had to readjust and rerecord a lot of stuff, and you may ask, why am i singling him out? because to me, he's the one with the range closest to what they probably had in mind originally, and from the amount of lines he's gotten this time around, i'd assume he got most of the parts that were supposed to go to someone else.

makes sense considering how before the album dropped, the boys talked about how much hendery has shown himself this time? and i honestly have to agree with them. i've always enjoyed him as a rapper in their songs, but my inner complaint has always been that i couldn't really hear him? his parts have always either been too short or shared with someone else, and i felt like the first time i truly heard his flow in a title track was in turn back time, but in this album i heard him and i heard him well. let me give examples of what i'm on about:

- the entirety of diamonds only honestly, but respectfully listening to 2:39

- try my luck's first mention!!! i really like how he starts the song at 0:20, strong cpop vibes here

yangyang

i'm gonna try not to be too mushy because My Baby but don't hold it against me if i end up being sappy at some point jfhdjf no but in all seriousness, and considering the absolute nerd he shows himself to be, i think he's incredibly talented. and the works he's been a part of between kick back and phantom (like low low, rain day, new axis, zoo, and it goes on) have actually proved me that the thing i mentioned about the language in the first paragraph doesn't quite apply to him, at least not now that he's gotten a bit more familiar with korean. which is not surprising at all, considering the amount of languages going through his brain jfhdj it does feel like his cadence flows better in mandarin, but it's not bad in any of the other languages he sings/raps in either. let's get into the highlights:

- whenever he taps a little into his singing voice i get all !!!! so good life's perfect to me in that sense

- i also believe in ICY ICY ICY ICY ICY supremacy thank you diamonds only for your services

- final thoughts:

this is like. waaaay longer than i expected it to be? if you got to the end of this you need a medal honestly hfjdhjh but anyways, they did a great job in this album. i'm happy they're active and promoting again, and i hope this album is only a step towards bigger and better things. have a good week friends (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) i'll try to come here more often and not just once a month jhfdjh